This week I have been trying to decide when I want to return to work and what hours I would ideally like to do, this has been prompted by a meeting with my boss that has been arranged for Monday. He wants to know what my intentions are as he needs to plan, with RB just four months its really hard to know for definite what I want to do.
Some days I feel like I could return full time just to have my identity back, have some time to myself, have a lunch hour to muse around the shops and grab a Starbucks, go to London for meetings and feel like I still have another role in life other than 'Mummy'.
But then RB is starting to develop and blossom into a real little character, every day she is doing something new and she constantly beams and coos to me and the love I have felt for her since the moment she was conceived is now being more visibly reciprocated. She adores me I am her whole world and with each day that passes I adore her even more.
PP with all her tantrums, her dislike for RB (she is still coming to terms with the fact she exists!) and her trying toddler ways has over the last few weeks settled down and she is more at ease and obviously adjusting and loving that her mummy is there for her again every day. As I teach her new words, shapes and colours and see how she is developing at such speed, it feels me with immense pride at the child she is becoming and then sadness that my baby is slowly disappearing. I can pretty much have a conversation with her now and she understands when she has done something wrong and can sense if I'm feeling down. She will say 'Mummy I'm sorry' or 'Mummy are you sad? big cuddle?' and my eyes fill up as I realise how amazing she is and I start to wonder how her life will map out and if her dreams will be realised.
I picked her up from nursery today and I always feel excited when I pull up as she practically bursts when she sees me, and comes charging over screaming to everyone 'that's my mummy!, oh mummy' and you get the biggest cuddles in the world every time. Its a special time of the day and I look forward to it.
So I am now wondering can I dare to have it all? Could there be a possibility of me doing the job I love, perhaps working from home a bit more so I can be around for the girls and coming up with a PR service which would not mean me having to stay out all hours in London? I need to put some options to my boss so better get my thinking cap on. Any ideas anyone??